A member of the housekeeping staff at the hotel where I am currently staying just knocked on my door to enquire why I was not eating my fruit. I spared them my “What is fruit FOR?” lecture and explained that I was not a fan of green apples so hard that they defied attack with any provided knife and napkin.
The cheerful member of staff noted this and asked me which fruits I would prefer. I mumbled something about bananas. Oh, and apples.
“Green apples? You have green apples.”
“Plums?” he asked, optimistically.
“Yeah,” I said. “Put me down for some plums.”
“Your profile has been updated, madam,” he beamed.
This means I now have a “fruit profile” in one of the leading hotels of the world. This can only cause me harm when the privatised UK NHS system accesses the file, which one day surely it will.
“I see you didn’t eat your plums in Bandra Kurla. Deduct two points.”
“But I ate my banana,” I will shout. (I will omit to mention that said fruit was smaller than a teaspoon. Because WHAT IS FRUIT FOR?)